Almost a new year

Ok  ok ok I think I want to start from scratch as we are entering a new year and a new chapter. As it stands right now because it took so long to get certain tests done we are waiting until we find out for sure about this PCS to really pursue IVF or Adoption. I also think I'm going to start a youtube channel talking about infertility struggles. To be perfectly honest I've been struggling with depression again lately and I'm trying my best to not allow it to effect those around me. I've shoved myself into my Scentsy business and started a passion of making nail polish. With Christmas approaching I'm asked several times why do I not decorate my house, why do I not put up a tree? (I do have a perfectly good tree that was given to us last year that is still in the box in the kitchen) I do not decorate because I do not own that much stuff to decorate with. I also have been slacking very badly with housework since the diagnosis. I will spurt through the house on occasion and clean til I'm in pain. But I am really not a fan of people being in my house so I don't feel the need to decorate to impress.

 The Christmas Tree thing is I don't have children. My family tradition was dad would put the tree together and then I would decorate it. It was my absolute favorite part of Christmas. I would slowly unwrap each and every ornament to place on the tree while my mom would tell me where each one came from. There was an ornament for every year of my life, certain ones that were from her childhood, from my dads childhood....I loved the history of it all. I unfortunately do not own any of these ornaments currently. But someday I hope to gather them from my mother and eventually place them on our future tree with our child. Passing on each and every history lesson there. To be perfectly honest I would actually like to see these ornaments to relive all of those magical moments. But as I am in California and my mother is in Tennessee I won't be able to do that for awhile.

The PCS that is upon us is possible to come with another deployment fairly quickly. So hopefully before we have everything packed and shipped to Germany we will know when that deployment will take place as we have set a plan together that IF this in fact is on paper then I will be staying in Tennessee until the deployment is over so I can obtain a job (I cannot wait to be working again) and spend quality time with our family. Which means I will be spending alot of time fishing with my dad! I have also found a few fertility specialist in my area that I'm considering and will be speaking to if this is what happens. IF not I will be going to Germany with my husband and we will expand our options there. Personally I'm on a level where I think I'm ready to adopt at this point. But I still feel that $30,000 for adoption is ridiculous. So I'm currently looking for someone who knows someone who is considering giving their unborn child up for adoption. That way the cost of the adoption is roughly 2-3K and that way we can better provide for the child without being in extensive debt.

Until that time comes I will snuggle my dogs tightly and keep hoping! Happy Holidays to you all! And thanks for reading!

Waiting waiting waiting

I know it's been quite awhile since I've posted. I've been very busy trying to KEEP myself busy. Chris has reenlisted for us to move to Germany. I thought I would be overly excited to go but now I'm scared. I am scared to death to stop dead  in the tracks of the progress we've made over the past two years and start from scratch. I'm scared to be in another country away from our family. Honestly deep down I'm scared to death of such a huge change. We have worked out a possible plan of me staying behind for awhile due to other things going on. I would get a job, continue IVF (freezing his sperm before he leaves), and be near friends and family. Then myself and the dogs......and praying for baby(ies) to join him in Germany. It's quite alot to take in!

I have decided that through my passion of nail polish, I want to start making my own. I cannot claim this as a business venture yet as I clearly have no idea what I'm doing. But I have one special type of polish that I love and it's very hard to get. So I figure why not be thrifty and make my own. If I make money in the long run that's cool but I just reallllly want certain types of polish for myself. Also I have plenty of ladies in my life that wouldn't mind a bottle of polish on their birthdays or holidays! Other than that I've been booming the past few months with Scentsy and of course enjoying the smells in my own home. My father recently fell off of a roof and broke his heel. He's not doing so great as he's not healing right. He has already had surgery and is going to have to go in for a skin graft soon. I talk to him when he's interrupting my mom and I have to fuss at him for not resting! I am convinced he will be the death of me. (lol) I can't wait to get his butt in a chair on the dock and fish all day long. Chris' dad is actually doing quite well right now. He posted a photo the other day on his facebook and I think he's looking younger! Now if he would take it easy and stop finding excuses to go to the hospital to chase nurses that would be great!

Well I know this entry didn't deal with alot of infertility stuff but I think it shows that our lives do still go on. We still have to take care of each other, love with all our hearts, and keep hoping for the best. <3 Soon I promise!

It's been awhile!

Hopefully there are still a few viewers. It's been a difficult few months with all the ups and downs. I'm not sure where I left off as I'm not a huge fan of re reading my blogs. So back in June we FINALLY met with Dr. Potter. He was fabulous!!! So the plan was ultrasound for follicle count, blood work for hormones, and 3 hour glucose and insulin test. 

So here I am after all this time, hopefully going to get my ultrasound finally done tomorrow. I feel really gross about it as its cycle day 3 and its a vaginal ultrasound. But I know I have to tough through it because hopefully this will finish everything else I need other than the salpino before IVF! We are truly hoping that November will be our month!!!! 

As for now I will leave this short and sweet as I am about to fall asleep. Goodnight all and love!  

Balboa...no

I thought I would pop in and update since it's been awhile. I was contacted yesterday by Tricare that balboa denied my referral. I called them to inquire why and they said they didn't know why, but to put the referral in again. I also inquired how long their waitlist was since they told me one thing and my friend another. They went from telling me 1 1/2 years and her depends on your blood tests where you get put in the line...to 15 months to 2 years! O.o WOWZERS! I've been trying to take a break from the whole infertility journey for a few days so I can de-stress and get back on track mentally. I've spent a few days just hanging out around the house, cooking and cleaning, and playing games online. Just being me!

Chris goes to the promotion board tomorrow and he's sick. I feel horrible for him since he's been on the couch asleep since he got home. I don't want to wake him up since it looks like it's the first real sleep he's gotten in two days. Of course I'm sitting here watching Friends, as usual. He will be able to reup his contract in March and honestly, I cannot wait for us to PCS to another duty station. We are thinking Fort Campbell now instead of Germany. Although we both would love to go to Germany (it will still be listed) we would like to live closer to home for a little while so we can go see our friends and family more often. I just cannot wait to be able to get a job and work like crazy! I hope I will be able to report better findings soon. But until then...<3 thank you for reading!

Monica And Chandler

Friends is one of my nightly rituals, it comes on about 10pm and I find myself watching it every single night although we own almost the entire series. This was lastnight episode, and of course it ripped me to shreds. I find myself sitting here every single day, crying when Chris can't see me, and fighting back tears when he can. I'm feeling like I want to crawl into a hole right this very moment and never come back out. With every phone call to find the "right" place I find myself discouraged even more. I was dead set on HRC and I think I still am but looking at the costs again, looking at our bills, and wondering....will we ever be able to afford to try? IF we can afford to try is it worth the gamble? I am not a big gambler, and handing over $10,000+ in hopes that something good might happen is a very big risk. I can barely handle losing $5, let alone that amount of money. I just wish that for once in my life, something would go right. I wish my body would work the way it's supposed to. But why am I surprised that I cannot conceive? I've suffered through everything else in life. I know, I know, you're reading this and thinking....it's life, everyone has been through stuff. Let me mildly elaborate please...I've attended over 25 funerals from the age of 2. I've known death and sorrow more than anyone should at my age. I've had 4 surgeries now (not really that big of a deal) but one of them so extensive I had to relearn how to walk again basically and at that time (I was 15) my mother had to bathe me (how embarrassing). I've been to the darkest pits of emotion by the time I was 11 years old after losing my grandmother (who was like a mother to me) suddenly of a heart attack and then being molested by a family friend shortly there after. I've been beaten, stolen from, lived in my car (which the window was busted out of and I didn't have heat. Middle of winter), I've lost a lot of friends over time, made bad decisions and dated the wrong men, and treated others around me poorly at times. The 3 worst moments in my life have been losing my grandmother in 95, losing John in 08, and finding out I will never have children naturally. I don't really know how much more I can take. I start therapy in about 2 weeks but until then I'm going to have to just cry it out.

I'm at the point right now that I want Chris to talk to me about how he feels with this whole situation but every time I bring it up he just ignores me. That does not help with my emotions. I don't mean to bring you down while you are reading this post, but a blog is a place where you can vent, right? Where do you go from here? How do you wake yourself up? I am feeling so broken right now and it's scaring me. I feel like I will never be me again.

Events on the Horizon

I know I've been away for a few days. I haven't been feeling super well and personally I cannot wait until my humidifier arrives! It will be nice to be able to wake up one morning and not have to pry my own eyes open because they are so dry! hehe I don't have a whole lot to report currently, I'm starting to finally find myself again. I went to meet with some of the ladies from the unit today to start planning some fundraisers for our ball in April. I'm very excited to FINALLY get to go to a ball, "Every pretty girl deserves to go to a ball!" I'm not going to be sporting the ball gown I really wanted to as it's VERY expensive and that's not a priority right now. But I'm sure I will find one low budget or that I can borrow from someone and still feel beautiful...and I will have a HOT DATE! <3 I haven't been able to stand next to my hubby in a dress uniform since the day we said our vows. I can't wait to see him in his dress blues!!! And FINALLY I'll have a good pic of us! (We do have to start practicing his smile for the pics though...he has to smile this time haha) I'm just looking forward to a new experience and most of all doing the fun things we have planned for the fundraising! I also have been trying to help find ideas for decorations. We are talking about doing a Murder Mystery ball and this is going to be AMAZING!!!!!!!! I have my ortho appointment on Wednesday and then Des and I leave for LA on Friday for the Fertility Planit show. We might even take the "long" way home and go over to East LA to the Soda Pop Shop! I'm so excited to try rare soda's from around the world! :)

See I told you I'm kinda finally getting back to myself!

And the final verdict is in...

SO as I said before that today was the dr appointment that would finalize everything. Well...for the most part, now the question is...which road do we walk down? Today the dr spent quite a long time explaining to me everything. I got to see pictures of my organs, and the final verdict is that due to me being raped when I was 18, the dr has no doubt in his mind that contracting the stds that I did are the cause of the damage. My uterus is beautiful and my ovaries are perfect so there is hope for IVF.

The only thing we have to do now, is make a decision and go toward it.

I contacted Dr Potters office (The Dr that was on the Ricki Lake show with us) and found out pricing information and options. I know that I am probably looking at about $20K as I will be paying out of pocket for all expenses. Although they are going to TRY to get my insurance to cover the office visits but generally they don't when I am labeled "Infertile". Also when you do IVF they want you to purchase a package plan because their goal is to get you pregnant. I don't know if I want to spend that much money and still have no end result, when with adoption you will have an end result. It's such a big step for our future and it's so scary.

How do you rationalize taking a risk at such a huge expense?
How do you find the light in the dark?

It's just so scary! But I'm confident that there will be a future.