Late night convos

So tonight I've been sitting here battling with my back pain as usual. Chris is fast asleep here on the couch and I'm sitting here googling random stuff. Tonight we discussed about me moving back east. As bad as I don't want to be away from my husband, I'm homesick...and I feel like the only way we would be able to afford IVF is if I go back home and find a job or two. Something to keep myself busy and to treat this depression in the most productive way possible. So as I'm sitting here tossing the idea around and poking around the internet, Jon pops online. Jon is married to my bestie Sydney and they are expecting their first baby in April. So after about 2 hours of just random catching up I started losing it. I'm sitting here crying my eyes out.

When I lost John in 2008 (June 9th...same day as Syndey's birthday) I never imagined that I could love someone as much as I loved him. I pushed away friendships because I couldn't imagine going through that pain again. And then in 10 I met Sydney. Last year I lived with her and Jon for awhile since things went sour with my "father" during deployment. I couldn't be any more blessed to have someone so special in my life...hence the reason I'm pining over her now too. I miss waking up every morning and not seeing her face. I miss talking to her every single day. The time difference, her watching all the kids she does during the day, and her expecting...doesn't really make for availability at the drop of a hat.

On top of that too...my other best friend Chaning is still in Texas. Not only have I been blessed enough to have Sydney & Jon in my life...but I found Chaning, Cole, Lucas, and Peyton too. So double whammy on the missing links part. I just feel so empty without these puzzle pieces. Chaning was a very unexpected find...and because of the same "location depression" I thought I had lost her. But thankfully it was just temporary and we're back to good. It doesn't negate the fact that right this very second I feel like they are billions of lightyears away from me.

OHHHHHH The good thing about today was I had entered Sadie and Shaddix in the Strut Your Mutt and Sadie brought home a trophy for Mystery Mutt!!!! I'm really sad they both didn't win something but then again everyone needed a chance to win and every single pup that was there...was sooooo cute! I'm super proud of my babies!!!!! But as for me, right now....I'm going to drag the hubby off the couch and go to bed. I need to feel his arms wrapped tightly around me. I might continue to have a good cry too.

Anticipation is not my friend

So I'm pretty amped up about Tuesday! I absolutely cannot wait until my dr's appointment. I keep praying hard that he will be forgiving and go ahead and write my referral. Once that happens, I hope I can get into the fertility specialist as fast as possible. Right now financially we cannot afford the IVF since no one has donated yet. We have a little bit put back in the bank but it's definitely not enough to make our dreams come true as quickly as we would like. The thought of this as I type it makes me want to curl into a ball and sob. It's just so frustrating at this point. I think today I counted 3 pregnancy announcements. I'm actually to the point I want to delete my facebook and become even more reclusive and bitter. It sucks so bad feeling like this on the inside, I hope I don't reflect my pain that much on the outside.

 I look at my handsome husband who is sitting here on the couch beside me fast asleep and I ache. I want to see joy in his eyes, I want to see him interact like these other fathers do. Ok I'm crying now. I feel like I'm letting him down. At times like this I really wish I could call John and cry. I haven't really talked about him before on here but those of you who are reading that personally know me, know who he is. He was my absolute BEST FRIEND! He was tragically ripped away from this world in a motorcycle accident in 08. I just found peace a couple of months ago. I still talk to him as best I can but I crave that voice of his telling me that everything is going to be ok. Maybe I do need to see a therapist....If this doctor doesn't write my referral on Tuesday I'm going to call behavioral health and schedule an appointment. Sorry to you all who are reading this....I know I'm always whining but I feel like it's for good reason. I just wish I could take a mental vacation away from all this pain and anxiety!

Later Halloween Night Update

Ok so handing out candy wasn't too bad! I saw some really cute kiddos in their adorable costumes. My friend Amber came over and hung out with me in the driveway while we handed out the noms. And then we went to the Haunted House! There was just the most adorable little girl (5) in line behind us with her parents. She was such a trooper! She didn't start freaking out until we were closer to the door. She was so excited to go through the haunted house so she could go to school and tell her friends she did it. So her mom and I went over to the refreshment stand...on accident at the same time...to buy her some glow sticks. I asked her mom if she would mind be buying her something and she said she wouldn't mind at all. So I picked out this cute little flashing pumpkin bracelet and her mom hooked her up with glow sticks and glow bracelets. On the way out of the haunted house she was kind of in shock and first and then she was proud of herself because she made it through. I really hope someday I can have that with my child. I can't believe how brave she was! It wasn't that scary to me but I'm sure to a 5 year old it's mortifying. OH YEAH! Before all of this happened something went wrong with my screen door and I couldn't get it open. My garage is always locked because I keep the bike in there and the back door was locked...so I ended up breaking my screen door from ripping it open. Now I cannot open it at all from the outside. *facepalm* Alright friends it's time to go to bed with the pups. I checked the hubby's account today and found out he's got 9 use/lose leave days...so I'm really really hoping that he will use them soon. We could use the time together!

HALLOWEEEEEEENNNNN

So Halloween is one of my most favorite days of the year. Normally I would go all out to decorate, have an awesome costume, and take my friends kids trick or treating. Well since my best friend isn't even here right now I decided to be a lump. I'm supposed to be going to my husbands unit BBQ/Halloween party and I find myself sitting here wishing I would just go back to bed. I haven't even went so far as buying candy for the trick or treaters. Not to mention I sold my He's Alive warmer at the fair I did last weekend so I have 0 halloween decorations. Yesterday was a good day for us though...we both pitched together and worked on cleaning the house up some. Hubby did the dirty work and scooped poop out of the back yard. So I think the dogs are pretty happy about that! I cleaned the kitchen, did 2 more loads of laundry, and made a cheese cake that I STILL haven't even tried. It was just a nobake one...which I know is going to suck...BUT I kept the crumbs from it so I'm thinking about whipping out my spring form pan later this week and attempting a REAL cheese cake! Sadie has been very whiny today...currently I think she's feeling my anxiety of all the kids that are going to be around and she's crying at me. I just hope someday I can feel the excitement of dressing up my child and taking them out to trick or treat! I promise that if I could be blessed I would NEVER take any holiday activity for granted! I will go ALLLLLL OUT for each and every holiday so my child can experience the innocent magic brought from the trick or treating, the thanksgiving day parade, decorating the Christmas tree, ringing in the new year, hunting for Easter Eggs, watching the fireworks.....ALLL HOLIDAYS! I won't JUST do the commercial stuff either...I want to teach them the true value of each. I want to teach my child to donate and share...the truth behind the holiday too. The story behind Jesus and how he loved us so much that he died for our sins.

It's funny how the thought of a child in a costume can trigger such hard emotions. I have a feeling I won't be at this party for long. Then I have to hope that no one knocks on my door. 

Late Night

So I'm not usually up this late but I've had so much on my mind lately that I forgot that the sheets needed to be washed. So now I'm waiting on the dryer to knock off so I can put the sheets in. I've been sitting here the majority of the evening playing wow and escaping my own emotions. I have cried pretty much all day today. With truth and an audience comes emotional wellness. First off I have the fact that I'm missing my best friends right now, second the double bad news from Walter Reed and San Diego, third I got a little butt hurt by some Scentsy consultants, and fourth I'm home alone currently...so it's easier to trigger the tears. I'm really really happy though that both of my dogs are feeling better than they did two days ago. They do seem to make the void a little less painful sometimes. Sadie placed her head on my chest this afternoon during snuggle time and I looked at her and was so thankful she loves me so much! Shaddix attacked me when I came home from visiting Chris at work and wanted to snuggle in my arms like a baby until he fell asleep....and also put my arm to sleep! I just keep thinking how amazing a moment like that would be to have my baby laying on my chest sleeping. When I close my eyes real tight and imagine that my heart soars! Why do I keep doing this to myself? I know, I know....just a couple more days til my dr's appointment. I'm just nervous that he's going to treat me the same way.

Donations

If you would like to possibly donate to our IVF fund this is the link.

http://www.gofundme.com/1f5wdc

Getting back on the Blog wagon

I know, I know, it's been awhile since I've posted. The TTC journey has been so depressing and heartbreaking that I haven't even thought about posting on here. But since I have been on the Ricki Lake show, and have finally opened up to my friends and family...I figured...why not start blogging again. It seems the only way to REALLY tell our story! Currently we are residing in California, not sure if I mentioned that before. Since we got here in March I have been struggling with getting a referral to see a fertility specialist. It takes about a month just get get one appointment with a PCM or in my case OBGYN. Each time I have been treated badly. One appointment I was told I was fat and an alcoholic. Let me start by clearing something up...yes I am a big girl. I'm 5' 11" and I weigh 200lbs...now in this dr's eyes he thinks I should be at 140. The smallest I've been since puberty is 155 and that was a LONG STRETCH for me. I was eating stackers like candy and working physical labor (which I truly miss that part) but point is I lost the weight in a very unhealthy way. I have since the appointment changed up my diet. I also am far from an alcoholic. I do honestly admit that on rare occasion I knock back a couple of drinks with my friends. Which usually consist of maybe 2 watered down shots (I'm a wuss and drink half alcohol and half mixer shots) and maybe 2 mixed drinks on RARE OCCASIONS!

I have also been told that I might suffer from Endometriosis. (sp?) Ok dr, write the referral to go be diagnosed since you can't do it. NOPE! He suggests I have another coposcopy done. Which I just had less than 2 months ago. Then he suggest that I have an HSG done...OK! He almost refused to write that referral too. Until I pitched a completely hissy fit in the office. I take my referral thinking I had WON over to radiology to schedule this procedure....there are NO female techs on this post, meaning I would have to go off post for it. *facepalm* I'm so over this doctor at this point because of many things I have left unsaid because they are highly inappropriate. I complain to the patient advocate who in turn runs my message to the head of the OBGYN department. (The Col.) Who then returns to me with hopes of a new appointment with the new doctor who is coming on post. I wait 2 weeks in agony to find out when I can see this guy. FINALLY my appointment is approaching on Nov 6th!!!! Now I'm praying and hoping with my whole heart that this dr has enough compassion to flat out tell me...here you go! So then I can finally book an appointment with a FS and start getting poked and probed in hopes that I can conceive and carry my future. I cannot handle anymore disappointment. I'm completely and utterly spent. I cry every single day at the drop of a hat, I've isolated myself for the most part so I don't have to see all these babies everywhere, and I sit here constantly and think about being pregnant.