HALLOWEEEEEEENNNNN

So Halloween is one of my most favorite days of the year. Normally I would go all out to decorate, have an awesome costume, and take my friends kids trick or treating. Well since my best friend isn't even here right now I decided to be a lump. I'm supposed to be going to my husbands unit BBQ/Halloween party and I find myself sitting here wishing I would just go back to bed. I haven't even went so far as buying candy for the trick or treaters. Not to mention I sold my He's Alive warmer at the fair I did last weekend so I have 0 halloween decorations. Yesterday was a good day for us though...we both pitched together and worked on cleaning the house up some. Hubby did the dirty work and scooped poop out of the back yard. So I think the dogs are pretty happy about that! I cleaned the kitchen, did 2 more loads of laundry, and made a cheese cake that I STILL haven't even tried. It was just a nobake one...which I know is going to suck...BUT I kept the crumbs from it so I'm thinking about whipping out my spring form pan later this week and attempting a REAL cheese cake! Sadie has been very whiny today...currently I think she's feeling my anxiety of all the kids that are going to be around and she's crying at me. I just hope someday I can feel the excitement of dressing up my child and taking them out to trick or treat! I promise that if I could be blessed I would NEVER take any holiday activity for granted! I will go ALLLLLL OUT for each and every holiday so my child can experience the innocent magic brought from the trick or treating, the thanksgiving day parade, decorating the Christmas tree, ringing in the new year, hunting for Easter Eggs, watching the fireworks.....ALLL HOLIDAYS! I won't JUST do the commercial stuff either...I want to teach them the true value of each. I want to teach my child to donate and share...the truth behind the holiday too. The story behind Jesus and how he loved us so much that he died for our sins.

It's funny how the thought of a child in a costume can trigger such hard emotions. I have a feeling I won't be at this party for long. Then I have to hope that no one knocks on my door. 

Late Night

So I'm not usually up this late but I've had so much on my mind lately that I forgot that the sheets needed to be washed. So now I'm waiting on the dryer to knock off so I can put the sheets in. I've been sitting here the majority of the evening playing wow and escaping my own emotions. I have cried pretty much all day today. With truth and an audience comes emotional wellness. First off I have the fact that I'm missing my best friends right now, second the double bad news from Walter Reed and San Diego, third I got a little butt hurt by some Scentsy consultants, and fourth I'm home alone currently...so it's easier to trigger the tears. I'm really really happy though that both of my dogs are feeling better than they did two days ago. They do seem to make the void a little less painful sometimes. Sadie placed her head on my chest this afternoon during snuggle time and I looked at her and was so thankful she loves me so much! Shaddix attacked me when I came home from visiting Chris at work and wanted to snuggle in my arms like a baby until he fell asleep....and also put my arm to sleep! I just keep thinking how amazing a moment like that would be to have my baby laying on my chest sleeping. When I close my eyes real tight and imagine that my heart soars! Why do I keep doing this to myself? I know, I know....just a couple more days til my dr's appointment. I'm just nervous that he's going to treat me the same way.

Donations

If you would like to possibly donate to our IVF fund this is the link.

http://www.gofundme.com/1f5wdc

Getting back on the Blog wagon

I know, I know, it's been awhile since I've posted. The TTC journey has been so depressing and heartbreaking that I haven't even thought about posting on here. But since I have been on the Ricki Lake show, and have finally opened up to my friends and family...I figured...why not start blogging again. It seems the only way to REALLY tell our story! Currently we are residing in California, not sure if I mentioned that before. Since we got here in March I have been struggling with getting a referral to see a fertility specialist. It takes about a month just get get one appointment with a PCM or in my case OBGYN. Each time I have been treated badly. One appointment I was told I was fat and an alcoholic. Let me start by clearing something up...yes I am a big girl. I'm 5' 11" and I weigh 200lbs...now in this dr's eyes he thinks I should be at 140. The smallest I've been since puberty is 155 and that was a LONG STRETCH for me. I was eating stackers like candy and working physical labor (which I truly miss that part) but point is I lost the weight in a very unhealthy way. I have since the appointment changed up my diet. I also am far from an alcoholic. I do honestly admit that on rare occasion I knock back a couple of drinks with my friends. Which usually consist of maybe 2 watered down shots (I'm a wuss and drink half alcohol and half mixer shots) and maybe 2 mixed drinks on RARE OCCASIONS!

I have also been told that I might suffer from Endometriosis. (sp?) Ok dr, write the referral to go be diagnosed since you can't do it. NOPE! He suggests I have another coposcopy done. Which I just had less than 2 months ago. Then he suggest that I have an HSG done...OK! He almost refused to write that referral too. Until I pitched a completely hissy fit in the office. I take my referral thinking I had WON over to radiology to schedule this procedure....there are NO female techs on this post, meaning I would have to go off post for it. *facepalm* I'm so over this doctor at this point because of many things I have left unsaid because they are highly inappropriate. I complain to the patient advocate who in turn runs my message to the head of the OBGYN department. (The Col.) Who then returns to me with hopes of a new appointment with the new doctor who is coming on post. I wait 2 weeks in agony to find out when I can see this guy. FINALLY my appointment is approaching on Nov 6th!!!! Now I'm praying and hoping with my whole heart that this dr has enough compassion to flat out tell me...here you go! So then I can finally book an appointment with a FS and start getting poked and probed in hopes that I can conceive and carry my future. I cannot handle anymore disappointment. I'm completely and utterly spent. I cry every single day at the drop of a hat, I've isolated myself for the most part so I don't have to see all these babies everywhere, and I sit here constantly and think about being pregnant. 

I'm so sick of this

As much as I try to keep a smile on my face I really would much rather just cry out loud. I want to pitch a tantrum like a kicking and screaming child. People tell me "Relax and you will get pregnant", "If it's meant to be, it will be", "Maybe it's just not the right time", "You're trying to hard". SERIOUSLY PEOPLE...GO SCREW YOURSELF! Usually these words come from people who already have children and it was easy as hell for them to get pregnant. They don't know what it's like to want something so badly that you are willing to try ANYTHING to get it and then fail every single month for years. I'm so sick and tired of all the bull shit that people say to me. If I wanted you to tell me something stupid I would ask you to say something stupid.

In this month alone I've heard the news of over 15 people being pregnant who are "close" friends. Not that I'm not happy for them but quite a few of them really don't need to be bringing a child into this world. I mean don't get me wrong but when your first child is already a demon spawn that raises mortal hell every time you go out to eat then you really have no business bringing another child into this world to terrorize me when I'm trying to talk to you. I'm so sick and tired of it. I just want one chance to be good at something I know I'll be great at.

My fertility appointment had to be canceled because once again I've been shit on by the good luck fairy and we are PCSing to Fort Irwin California. And I've tried to look up FS's there and guess what...they are all over 3 hours away without traffic. SINCE WHEN IS THERE NEVER ANY TRAFFIC IN LOS ANGELES OR LAS VEGAS? I mean good god. NOT to mention I've been waiting almost 6 months to see this 1 dr that I feel deep down in my heart was the answer to my prayers. This TTC shit is effecting my marriage since I resent almost everything my husband ever says to me. It's now become a taboo subject with us and the sex has almost depleted. I can't stand even the thought of him touching me most of the time because I know it's never going to work. I'm trying to hide everything from him as that's just who I am. And I think he's assuming I'm hiding something else that's even worse and we are bickering over stupid stuff. We're not exactly fighting at all it's just little snips here and there. We don't really talk to each other anymore and it's breaking my heart. But at the same time I think this is the point of the process where I'm blaming him without valid excuses. I just want this to all be over with. I want a YES you can have kids and this is how we are going to do it or a NO so you're going to have to get your shit together and adopt.

OOOOVVV U LATION!

Well finally yesterday I received my first Peak on my CBFM. So today was ovulation day I guess according to everything I've read. I've been very crampy and my lower back is killing me. Today has been a beyond stressful day for me though. I've been trying to lock down an apartment for us to move into when Chris gets home. And I'm not sure how many more times I can handle hearing no. On top of everything else the cat has been going insane and tempting my dog to chase her lol. I just need a moment to clear my head and smile. I've got to relax and prepare my body, mind, and soul for conception. It's only going to be a couple more weeks till my AF arrives and I will be ready for the big day of bed dancing with that wonderful hubby of mine. I'm sure I would feel a lot better about it if I knew for sure what my address would be at the moment lol. I'm just trying to get an off post apartment and if that doesn't fall into place then we will be living on post. Which is going to be a little costly in the beginning due to the specifications they want me to do for my dogs. Microchipping isn't cheap. :( OH WELL

Wonderful News

So today I do the usual routine...wake up, BBT, lay in bed for about 10 mins until Sadie and Shaddix beg to go out to potty, take them out, bathroom for me, OPK stick, and then at 12:45 CBFM. So the OPK barely showed a line...the same thing I've been getting since CD6. BUT the CBFM gave me a high fertility hit. So I'm thinking that this whole time the OPK's and my calender have been lying to me and that could explain the fact that I haven't gotten pregnant. Ya know all except the closed tubes and all. Now that I'm making good progress all I need is my husband to come home.

On a very sad note, a couple of days ago the terrorists found the base where my husband is stationed and bombed it. He was in the helicopter and far away when it happened. But some people weren't so lucky. There were lives lost and people hurt. And tonight I found out that one of his fellow soldiers in a different company passed away. My heart breaks for that family although at the same time I have a little bit of relief that it wasn't my husband. BUT it could have been. I just pray that in this time of sadness they can find peace knowing that their soldier was a hero.

Everyone please say a quick prayer for those lives lost in this war and their families that have to go on with a hole in their hearts. And also pray for the ones that continue this no win war. :(