As much as I try to keep a smile on my face I really would much rather just cry out loud. I want to pitch a tantrum like a kicking and screaming child. People tell me "Relax and you will get pregnant", "If it's meant to be, it will be", "Maybe it's just not the right time", "You're trying to hard". SERIOUSLY PEOPLE...GO SCREW YOURSELF! Usually these words come from people who already have children and it was easy as hell for them to get pregnant. They don't know what it's like to want something so badly that you are willing to try ANYTHING to get it and then fail every single month for years. I'm so sick and tired of all the bull shit that people say to me. If I wanted you to tell me something stupid I would ask you to say something stupid.
In this month alone I've heard the news of over 15 people being pregnant who are "close" friends. Not that I'm not happy for them but quite a few of them really don't need to be bringing a child into this world. I mean don't get me wrong but when your first child is already a demon spawn that raises mortal hell every time you go out to eat then you really have no business bringing another child into this world to terrorize me when I'm trying to talk to you. I'm so sick and tired of it. I just want one chance to be good at something I know I'll be great at.
My fertility appointment had to be canceled because once again I've been shit on by the good luck fairy and we are PCSing to Fort Irwin California. And I've tried to look up FS's there and guess what...they are all over 3 hours away without traffic. SINCE WHEN IS THERE NEVER ANY TRAFFIC IN LOS ANGELES OR LAS VEGAS? I mean good god. NOT to mention I've been waiting almost 6 months to see this 1 dr that I feel deep down in my heart was the answer to my prayers. This TTC shit is effecting my marriage since I resent almost everything my husband ever says to me. It's now become a taboo subject with us and the sex has almost depleted. I can't stand even the thought of him touching me most of the time because I know it's never going to work. I'm trying to hide everything from him as that's just who I am. And I think he's assuming I'm hiding something else that's even worse and we are bickering over stupid stuff. We're not exactly fighting at all it's just little snips here and there. We don't really talk to each other anymore and it's breaking my heart. But at the same time I think this is the point of the process where I'm blaming him without valid excuses. I just want this to all be over with. I want a YES you can have kids and this is how we are going to do it or a NO so you're going to have to get your shit together and adopt.