Saturday, November 24, 2012

Over Stuffed

Hello friends out in the internet land! I know I haven't posted in awhile but there hasn't been too much to share. Thanksgiving was sad and good at the same time. It was sad because Chris had to work a 24 hour shift, but it was good that I got to go down to his work and eat with him...and then to Chanings house to eat! It was awesome!!!!! Then I came home and lounged around on the couch and watched a bunch of random television until I was ready to pass out. I went to the heart doctor recently, but it was the worst establishment I've ever seen. The office at first glance reminded you of some back door office where you go to get like prescriptions for illegal stuff? I'm just guessing. And then the equipment was very form the 70's. I was there from 2pm to 5:30pm and still wasn't even finished with the appointment. This appointment should have taken about an hour/hour and a half tops. When I was finally put onto the treadmill to do the stress test...which wasn't even a real stress test...the equipment was so old that the leads were malfunctioning so he kept pressing them hard into my chest...over and over and over again. It was almost traumatizing...if I didn't know how it was really supposed to be.

The back doctor had to reschedule and since I had so much going on, we rescheduled for Dec 19th. Although I'm really hoping that my sister comes through for me and manages to score me plane ticket to SC to spend Christmas with her and the kids. But then again I'm also really hoping that this surgery is going to be successful and we will be blessed with a Christmas Miracle! <3

Friday, November 16, 2012

Happy Birthday To Chris

Yesterday was my sweet husbands birthday! I felt really bad that I couldn't afford to buy him the gift he REALLY wanted since it was over $200 and that money just doesn't appear out of thin air. So instead, him being the sweetheart that he is he finally let me buy him his new video game. He also took his old games to trade in, and I sent some of mine to go with him. I have to make this up to him somehow though because we knew the cost of the box set was high (Sully Erna Avalon) but it was supposed to be a combined Anniversary and Birthday gift. :( My anniversary gift FINALLY arrived yesterday too. I absolutely love my new hoodie esp since it's getting cold outside.

We did go out to Olive Garden to eat before seeing Breaking Dawn Part 2! He enjoyed himself at dinner considering he REALLLLLY didn't want to see the movie. But with us living 1 1/2 hours from the theater he didn't have much of a choice. So he napped through parts of the movie but was glued to the edge of his seat near the end. (I'm not giving ANYTHING away about the movie) The ride there and the ride home was amazing b/c a really good friend of ours went with us...and she started asking questions about infertility, my drs appointments, what it's like to go through it. Which  #1 for someone who is from another country this is all new to her and #2 she's never tried for a baby yet. So it was kind of hard to explain at first but I think she understood at my final description. For those of you reading who DO follow Twilight, I believe it was in the 2nd movie when Rosalie confesses to Bella about her not wanting the vampire life for her and she's jealous b/c she is human. She expresses that she didn't want to be a vampire b/c she wanted to be a mother. Then fast forward to movie number 3 and Bella is pregnant with Edwards baby. Rosalie takes over this mother mode...and in this movie you see her playing with Reneesme...and I cried. I felt that was me...stuck in this frozen world feeling like I will never be a mother.

Monday, November 12, 2012


So tonight I was snooping around the internet as usual...and found a place to write a petition and submit it. So I wrote one about the military covering IVF/IUI. There actually is a bill trying to pass right now in the Army that they are going to cover sex change operations because it's discrimination. So why not cover IVF/IUI too?!?!?! Now is the time for change! Now is the time to make a difference for our future. I really hope that I can get enough signatures so that maybe someday those of us who are military spouses will be fully covered so that we can create our family that we want so badly. If you're reading this...please go sign the petition.

Friday, November 9, 2012

I love my doctor!

That's exactly how I feel while writing this blog. I am overwhelmed with true emotion toward my new OB. I cannot believe that after years of fighting, praying, begging, crying, and just plain dealing with doctors that have treated me like I am unimportant...I have finally found the right doctor! Yesterday I received a call from my insurance company telling me that my referral was ready. I wasn't sure what she meant...and my OBGYN wrote me a referral to see a new heart specialist. (I also have a heart disease that I was born with) That's true compassion right there to worry about something that isn't even his specialty!!!! I don't think I could be happier! I see the heart dr on the 20th, the back dr on the 21st, and then surgery on the 6th! BUSY BUSY BUSY!

Also while you are here reading you should hop over to Clomid and Cabernet and show here some love as she interviewed me to help get the word out about infertility and the military!

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Thank you Margot!!!!

So after the unacceptable events tonight of the restaurant that just opened here on post...that I randomly decided that I wanted to try their Shepards Pie...and it took over an hour and a half to get...I log into my email to see a GoFundMe email!!!! Margot donated to our IVF!!!!! I couldn't possibly express how thankful I am to have people like her in my life, although I've never met her. She's such a wonderful and giving woman and a blessing to all! I don't know what goes on in her life but for someone to donate to someone they don't even know...that's someone who is doing great things with her life. When I was younger I was a very selfish person. I wouldn't have donated to someone I didn't know at all. Now as I've seen the struggle of others...and struggled myself, I feel the compassion and desire to give back as much as I can. I know that whoever I choose to donate my last dollars to truly appreciates that and in times like this when I'm asking for help to make our dreams come true....the favor is returned! God Bless You Margot! You are a shining light for our future!

BBC New Report

So I want to share with you a news report that caught my eye. This is a big fear for me as I have already worried about my egg supply that I feel is dwindling. I'm not sure what a "LATE" age is to go into menopause but my mother, I feel, went into menopause at a young age. Well as it actually says in the report that early is 45 and below...and late is 55 and up. Well my mother started menopause WELL before 45...and that scares me. I'm sitting here in all my 27 year old glory dreading March where I will turn step closer to 30. Which in my research has suggested that I have already gone through half of my egg supply. Pretty SCARY huh!? Are you feeling the squeeze too?

Here is the article

BBC NEWS-Fertility predicted by mothers age at menopause

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

GOOD NEWS and Promise

Today was my dr's appointment!!!! It went super well, actually better than I had hoped. My new dr is amazing! He's into the facts...he wants all the guesswork. He's showed me more concern about all of my health issues today than I have gotten in 27 years of my life. He was giving me advice on the things I need to know about my heart disease and my back! He was worried about both of those too and instructed me to get them checked out. He also is trying to save me money by going ahead and doing a Lap & Dye instead of just throwing me to the fertility specialist costs. He wants me to be fully educated on all my options...even the hidden ones. He also wants to help me to achieve pregnancy at the lowest cost possible (mental, physical, and financial)

So with that being said I promised myself and God that IF I could get some headway...that I would not whine and complain anymore. And I'm going to hold to that! I actually shocked the dr...he was sitting there explaining to me the risks of surgery...the usual (ya know like 50/50 of waking up, things that could go wrong, ect) and I just sat there with a huge smile on my face. He stops and asks why I'm not concerned about these they are very important to know. I explain to him that I've been put under completely 4 get scared to death the first time, 2nd time you're uneasy, by the 3rd time...YOU GOT THIS! hahah I'm not worried about any of that stuff at all. My only concern is...what if he gets in there...and there is still no valid explanation! BUT we will cross that bridge when we come to it!

I absolutely cannot wait!!!!!!!!!!!

Sunday, November 4, 2012

Late night convos

So tonight I've been sitting here battling with my back pain as usual. Chris is fast asleep here on the couch and I'm sitting here googling random stuff. Tonight we discussed about me moving back east. As bad as I don't want to be away from my husband, I'm homesick...and I feel like the only way we would be able to afford IVF is if I go back home and find a job or two. Something to keep myself busy and to treat this depression in the most productive way possible. So as I'm sitting here tossing the idea around and poking around the internet, Jon pops online. Jon is married to my bestie Sydney and they are expecting their first baby in April. So after about 2 hours of just random catching up I started losing it. I'm sitting here crying my eyes out.

When I lost John in 2008 (June 9th...same day as Syndey's birthday) I never imagined that I could love someone as much as I loved him. I pushed away friendships because I couldn't imagine going through that pain again. And then in 10 I met Sydney. Last year I lived with her and Jon for awhile since things went sour with my "father" during deployment. I couldn't be any more blessed to have someone so special in my life...hence the reason I'm pining over her now too. I miss waking up every morning and not seeing her face. I miss talking to her every single day. The time difference, her watching all the kids she does during the day, and her expecting...doesn't really make for availability at the drop of a hat.

On top of that other best friend Chaning is still in Texas. Not only have I been blessed enough to have Sydney & Jon in my life...but I found Chaning, Cole, Lucas, and Peyton too. So double whammy on the missing links part. I just feel so empty without these puzzle pieces. Chaning was a very unexpected find...and because of the same "location depression" I thought I had lost her. But thankfully it was just temporary and we're back to good. It doesn't negate the fact that right this very second I feel like they are billions of lightyears away from me.

OHHHHHH The good thing about today was I had entered Sadie and Shaddix in the Strut Your Mutt and Sadie brought home a trophy for Mystery Mutt!!!! I'm really sad they both didn't win something but then again everyone needed a chance to win and every single pup that was there...was sooooo cute! I'm super proud of my babies!!!!! But as for me, right now....I'm going to drag the hubby off the couch and go to bed. I need to feel his arms wrapped tightly around me. I might continue to have a good cry too.

Saturday, November 3, 2012

Anticipation is not my friend

So I'm pretty amped up about Tuesday! I absolutely cannot wait until my dr's appointment. I keep praying hard that he will be forgiving and go ahead and write my referral. Once that happens, I hope I can get into the fertility specialist as fast as possible. Right now financially we cannot afford the IVF since no one has donated yet. We have a little bit put back in the bank but it's definitely not enough to make our dreams come true as quickly as we would like. The thought of this as I type it makes me want to curl into a ball and sob. It's just so frustrating at this point. I think today I counted 3 pregnancy announcements. I'm actually to the point I want to delete my facebook and become even more reclusive and bitter. It sucks so bad feeling like this on the inside, I hope I don't reflect my pain that much on the outside.

 I look at my handsome husband who is sitting here on the couch beside me fast asleep and I ache. I want to see joy in his eyes, I want to see him interact like these other fathers do. Ok I'm crying now. I feel like I'm letting him down. At times like this I really wish I could call John and cry. I haven't really talked about him before on here but those of you who are reading that personally know me, know who he is. He was my absolute BEST FRIEND! He was tragically ripped away from this world in a motorcycle accident in 08. I just found peace a couple of months ago. I still talk to him as best I can but I crave that voice of his telling me that everything is going to be ok. Maybe I do need to see a therapist....If this doctor doesn't write my referral on Tuesday I'm going to call behavioral health and schedule an appointment. Sorry to you all who are reading this....I know I'm always whining but I feel like it's for good reason. I just wish I could take a mental vacation away from all this pain and anxiety!

Thursday, November 1, 2012

Later Halloween Night Update

Ok so handing out candy wasn't too bad! I saw some really cute kiddos in their adorable costumes. My friend Amber came over and hung out with me in the driveway while we handed out the noms. And then we went to the Haunted House! There was just the most adorable little girl (5) in line behind us with her parents. She was such a trooper! She didn't start freaking out until we were closer to the door. She was so excited to go through the haunted house so she could go to school and tell her friends she did it. So her mom and I went over to the refreshment stand...on accident at the same buy her some glow sticks. I asked her mom if she would mind be buying her something and she said she wouldn't mind at all. So I picked out this cute little flashing pumpkin bracelet and her mom hooked her up with glow sticks and glow bracelets. On the way out of the haunted house she was kind of in shock and first and then she was proud of herself because she made it through. I really hope someday I can have that with my child. I can't believe how brave she was! It wasn't that scary to me but I'm sure to a 5 year old it's mortifying. OH YEAH! Before all of this happened something went wrong with my screen door and I couldn't get it open. My garage is always locked because I keep the bike in there and the back door was I ended up breaking my screen door from ripping it open. Now I cannot open it at all from the outside. *facepalm* Alright friends it's time to go to bed with the pups. I checked the hubby's account today and found out he's got 9 use/lose leave I'm really really hoping that he will use them soon. We could use the time together!