Saturday, November 3, 2012

Anticipation is not my friend

So I'm pretty amped up about Tuesday! I absolutely cannot wait until my dr's appointment. I keep praying hard that he will be forgiving and go ahead and write my referral. Once that happens, I hope I can get into the fertility specialist as fast as possible. Right now financially we cannot afford the IVF since no one has donated yet. We have a little bit put back in the bank but it's definitely not enough to make our dreams come true as quickly as we would like. The thought of this as I type it makes me want to curl into a ball and sob. It's just so frustrating at this point. I think today I counted 3 pregnancy announcements. I'm actually to the point I want to delete my facebook and become even more reclusive and bitter. It sucks so bad feeling like this on the inside, I hope I don't reflect my pain that much on the outside.

 I look at my handsome husband who is sitting here on the couch beside me fast asleep and I ache. I want to see joy in his eyes, I want to see him interact like these other fathers do. Ok I'm crying now. I feel like I'm letting him down. At times like this I really wish I could call John and cry. I haven't really talked about him before on here but those of you who are reading that personally know me, know who he is. He was my absolute BEST FRIEND! He was tragically ripped away from this world in a motorcycle accident in 08. I just found peace a couple of months ago. I still talk to him as best I can but I crave that voice of his telling me that everything is going to be ok. Maybe I do need to see a therapist....If this doctor doesn't write my referral on Tuesday I'm going to call behavioral health and schedule an appointment. Sorry to you all who are reading this....I know I'm always whining but I feel like it's for good reason. I just wish I could take a mental vacation away from all this pain and anxiety!

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