Monday, December 31, 2012

Good Bye 2012, Hello 2013

So this past year has been a  year of ups and downs. I know right now I feel like it's been a lot of downs but I'm willing to look back on everything and take it for what it was.

First off I want to count my blessings:
1. I have an amazing wonderful husband who I celebrated 5 years with.
2. I have two of the most adorable dogs in the entire world.
3. I have a couple of pretty damn awesome friends who I can depend on.
4. I'm in SUNNY California and not freezing my face off right now.
5. I have wonderful parents!

This year the positive things:
1. I met Chaning. She has been nothing but amazing to me. We have our moments were I'm sure I'm annoying the crap out of her, the kids are being goofy, or we just have space between us. But I know this friendship will last forever. No matter the time, distance, future...I know that deep down I can pick up the phone and just say I miss you, I need you, and thank you. She has two of the most awesome munchkins who I adore. They are beyond silly and they light up life during a difficult time. They are little stinkers sometimes but they will be wonderful adults because they have two parents who raise them with value and love. They don't smother them, spoil them, or teach them to be nasty like a lot of people these days. These kids are filled with love, energy, and smiles! She truly is one of my best friends and a family I cannot live without. I'm truly blessed.

2. Among the friends in my life the ones that out stand the most are Carla, Chaning, Amber, Sydney, and Des. They are the ones that have been right there to pick up the pieces each and every time I've gotten bad news. I have many friends but these are the ones that have been very prominent in my life this past year. No matter how far or close they have been there.

3. I paid off my motorcycle, learned to ride it, and it's not collecting dust because of the maintenance that needs to be done on it.

4. I finally did get answers when it comes to my infertility, although clearly not the answers I wanted but answers none the less. I also went on national television to try to spread the word about infertility.

5. I started selling SCENTSY!!!!! I could not imagine being a consultant for a better company. I will always sing for Scentsy as I adore everything about it. It's a stressful business but at the end of the day I'm thankful I have found it.

I don't want to sit and complain about the bad things that have happened this year. I do that enough, so the one and only thing I am going to say about the con of the year is the fact that I did find out the worst and it absolutely has taken a toll on me. But I'm lucky that it was found this close to the new year because of my resolutions. I will not dwell anymore. I'm working on letting it all go and moving forward with my life. Even if it means that my life will be without child. It's time to look toward my future and find the beauty in life.

My resolutions this year...and you might want to pay attention because these should be pretty good!

1. I will lose and retain a steady weight of 155lbs by the summer.
2. I will finish school this year.
3. I will meet the band Train and ask them the one question about Meet Virginia.
4. I will find happiness in each and every day no matter how bad the day is.
5. I will start working on my book about Infertility and the journey so I can help others.
6. I want to inspire people, be charitable, and eventually be in a position where I can give back to my community in a positive way. I want to make a difference in this world once little step at a time.
7. I will ride my bike this year to a destination other than Outer Loop, and this will be off post! (This is a huge deal for me since I am so afraid of traffic)
8. I want to witness a miracle this year. I don't know what it will be or where, but this will happen.
9. I will not be involved in drama.
10. I will also write 1 thing at least a week that is a blessing, and place it in my jar.

Thursday, December 27, 2012

The Odd Life of Timothy Green

So I've become sick since last night and have been flopping around the house all day trying to shake what is very possible...strep throat. So I decide to crawl into the chair with Chris and snuggle up, of course there is nothing we want to watch on television. So I decide I want us to rent a movie...something that is a rare thing in our house. He asks, "Well what do you want to rent?" I don't have a clue, so I just start flipping through xbox movies and see what is out to rent. OF COURSE I come across The Odd Life of Timothy Green and Chris is trying to stop me from renting it...knowing that's not going to work. I debate for a few mins on it and when I try to rent it on xbox I don't have enough credits. I could hear him sigh in relief knowing that it was going to cause me to be an emotional ball of wrecked! Of course, I'm very I look to see how much it is on our cable to rent it...4.99!!!! WOOT I can pay that in 4 days (we never rent through our cable) come to find out, we had some free rentals that I hadn't cashed in yet! YEAH BUDDY! So I'm not going to go into details that might ruin this movie for you readers out there, but I have to say WATCH IT! If you have seen the preview you get the jest of what the story line is. A couple who find out they cannot conceive go through an emotional moment together and write down the things that would define their child. It's beautiful, emotional, heartbreaking, and enlightening. It definitely had both Chris and I in tears by the end of the movie. I wanted to bawl the entire time but I wouldn't allow myself. We are both really happy to have shared that movie together and of course it couldn't have come at a better time. I'm still trying to cope with everything but it's a one day at a time process! Thank you all for listening! And I hope you all had a VERY Merry Christmas!!! Now it's time to start getting ready to try to get some sleep...dr appointment at 9:30am to see if I have strep or not. I just can't wait to be me again. With all our LOVE!

Monday, December 24, 2012

Global Meltdown

So lastnight I did something I shouldn't have, I decided (brilliant idea) to drink some of the Captain Morgan I still had in the kitchen from like June. So I found out the hard way I absolutely cannot catch a buzz anymore. I drank so much lastnight that my stomach started hurting. So I decided to wake Chris up, drag him and the dogs upstairs for bed, and then went to the bathroom to make myself sick. In the midst of trying to shake the stomach pain all of a sudden everything hit me at once. I started sobbing, I was frustrated because I couldn't purge enough of the drink out of my stomach to feel better, I wasn't drunk like I wished I had of been, I felt like it was a metaphor for my life, and I couldn't hold my feelings in any longer. Chris heard me crying and the second he walked in the door I just lost it. I sat in the cold bathroom floor, laying in his arms, screaming, sobbing, apologizing, blaming, aching, and just melting down. He didn't say very much, he just allowed me to get everything out and he did cry with me a little. This went on for 2-3 hours straight. I needed to deal with every emotion that was building up inside of me. I cannot sit here and lie to everyone and say that it made everything better, because it didn't. I still am heartbroken, I still feel ashamed, and everything in between. I finally did venture out of the house today to the commissary to buy some groceries. Stupid me took the wrong card (it was the one I reported lost) so there we are trying to check out with our whopping $40 in groceries and Chris had to run back to the house to get cash! I was so embarrassed!!!!! At least dinner was pretty good! We decided to just go crazy! We took some pasta we had in the pantry, threw in some spaghetti sauce, diced tomatoes (basil, oregano, garlic), pepperonis, black olives, seasonings, cooked the noodles in the sauce instead of water, and then topped with cheese. I call it pizza pasta! lol It was really good! I think we're going to try to start getting more creative in the kitchen on a budget. Instead of our usual shopping list, we are going to start being creative and everything that is left over out of our grocery budget will go into the "IVF" fund. I'm also going through and cleaning out stuff we don't need anymore and either selling or donating. I'm changing up our bills and getting rid of the stupid stuff...and that money will be put up too. I can only hope that it will add up quickly. But at least for's a plan.

Friday, December 21, 2012


I'm not exactly sure why I'm posting. I just want to write. So I just sat here and watched I Would Die For That....again. As I sobbed and cried trying to figure out what I'm going to do with my life now I realized something. If I had this all to do over again, if I wasn't infertile, I would absolutely 100% be a surrogate. Not to make money, to make someones dreams come true. I would be happy to be able to bring life into this world for someone like me. I would love to be able to look into the eyes of someone struggling and see the relief and love in their eyes when they look at their child for the first time. I'm so emotionally spent on this journey and it's only just begun. I don't know what to do with myself, I don't know what to think about. I just want to cry and sleep. Which of course is not healthy at all. I feel like Jan 2nd is forever away, and even then what's to be said? I cannot wait to be able to take a bath again. Showers just don't wash away the pain as well as a nice long bath does. As for the recovery I've been moving around just fine. Yesterday I bloated pretty big and it felt as if my stitches in my belly button were going to rip. My friend Eva stopped by and dropped off some delicious Banana Nut Bread. <3 Chris and I are almost finished with Dexter, the dogs have been great not to jump up on me, and I even had a long talk with my neighbor today. :) I guess it's the little things right?

Thursday, December 20, 2012


So today I woke up, took my firs shower since surgery, and slapped on a little makeup to record the video for the Fertility Planit conference. I tried over and over and over again to get the video right. My first good take was 15 mins long and it uploaded sideways! BOOOOOOO So then I finally managed to get a 2 min take and get it uploaded to my youtube channel. Just not on the Fertility Planit one. Then I recorded my first Vlog for my own channel. I'm hoping and praying that it reaches the right person out there and touches their life. I'm sorry todays post won't be very long as I'm over exhausted and I'm thinking about how comfortable my bed would be right about now. Chris is at work today and won't be home for another 2 hours. I feel really bloated, worse than I have been so I'm hoping it goes away soon. Sorry I don't have a whole lot to tell you about. If you want to check out my videos head over to <3 yall

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Rough Day #2

Good evening readers! I've finally found some energy for the first time today. I was supposed to film the video for the conference but I didn't get out of bed until 2pm today. Last night my incision site was burning pretty bad, when I looked at it my skin around the incision site was red and streaky....almost starting to blister. So thankfully Chris works with medics so we went down to his work to change the dressing. Today it's not too bad, just a little on the sensitive side around the skin. I know I'm starting to heal internally because I'm aching more today. On top of it all I'm feeling like I'm getting sick...the weather did change drastically here the past couple of days. But I will survive! Chris has been so great taking care of me...almost to the point I've had to ask him to stop a little haha! I did make my own lunch today, ate it before he sat down, and then he realized the mayo was bad. HAHA I don't think it's going to make either of us sick but thank goodness neither of us had a lot! I'm sorry if I seem to be rambling, that's usually just how I am. :) We have been watching Dexter on demand this whole time, so it's been nice to snuggle when we can and watch tv together. The more I sit here though, the more I think about the future. I become more and more depressed at the fact that I'm dysfunctional. I do know for sure therapy will be in my future. I don't want to get into a sad, dark place. I want to stay my normal self and continue to be proactive. I am really looking forward to speaking at this conference so that I might have the chance to help change someone else' life. There are a lot of women out there like me who hurt like me, who cry like me, who needs someone to talk to like me. I want to be that rock and shoulder. I want to be their cheerleader and be there when they finally achieve their dream. I want to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. I will continue to pray for each and every person I come in contact with. I love each and every one of you and if you're reading this and feel like you need someone to talk to. I'm right here and I'm a very good listener. <3 Bless you

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

I would die for that

This song really hits home for me. I may have already posted it once but that was when I still had hope of conceiving. Now it resonates deeper.

Ricki Lake Show Pt 2

So this won't be a long entry but I had to share. I was just contacted via email again by a wonderful lady at The Ricki Lake show, inviting me to speak on Jan 12 & 13th at a conference. I have to film and submit a new video tomorrow and this time I really know what to say. I may not have a medical term for my issue but I know what's wrong and my only options. If I can get out there and help change someone's life it would be amazing. If I were blessed enough to not have infertility problems I absolutely would be a surrogate for free for someone. I don't ever want anyone else to feel the way I feel inside. I wish I could take away every persons struggle and help them to achieve the ultimate dream of being a family. I honestly wish I could just save the world, but I'm not superman. So for now I can only hope and pray that I can touch someone's heart and help them through their struggles. As for right now I'm going to go cuddle with my 4 legged babies and try to get some more rest. <3

Day after Surgery Thoughts

Today I'm a little on the achy side. A lot better than when I had my gall bladder and appendix removed. I cannot compare it to the back surgery though...that was horrible. I haven't slept on my back in years and lastnight was the first time in awhile. I did sleep pretty well for the first time in awhile. My heart is broken still and I'm not sure where to go with that. I'm going to try to get into therapy and get the help I need. I'm doing self therapy right now and enjoying a nice big bowl of raisin bran crunch with my lactose free milk that I adore! I'm so glad someone created it because it's delicious! I cannot wait to try lactose free ice cream. I keep praying for a Christmas miracle and I would like to thank Margot, Sarah, and Teresa for their donations towards our IVF fun. I cannot say thank you enough to each and every person who has helped in any way that they can. It's nice not only to have some friends who donate but also the ones who emotionally support me. My friend Carla called me and talked to me for awhile today. We're both going through struggles in our lives. They are both different but they still hurt the same. My sister Kattie called today and we talked for almost 2 hours. I don't remember everything from the conversation as I am kind of out of it from the meds. Chris had to go into work for a few hours b/c of his 1st Sgt *facepalm* But at least he can help me around still today and tomorrow. I hope to be close to recovered tomorrow as I'm not a huge fan of medication in the first place. I had to reschedule my back dr appointment for next year because I'm not confident I can drive all the way out to Loma Linda tomorrow. I'm thinking that some snuggle time is in order for Chris and I in a little while. I don't know how to talk to him about all of this that's going on because I can't hold it together and it hurts to cry. I wish John were still alive so I could call him and cry. We are going to be cleaning out our storage building probably this weekend and I'm going to sell off a lot of stuff to go toward the IVF. Not to forget that is $100 a month that can be used to pay off our loans or car and that way in a few months we might have more money to put towards treatments. But right this second I am just sad. I still am holding onto the hope of getting this job that I have applied for, as it would tremendously help out. I need your prayers, thoughts, whatever you believe in sent in this direction. I wish I could talk more to the public about infertility other than just on here. I think I'm going to start doing a vlog on youtube. I just have to learn how to edit.

Monday, December 17, 2012

The Worst Day Of My Life

Today was the big surgery day. When I got the hospital I was in a bright and shiny mood and very optimistic. I joked with the nurses and doctors until it was time to wheel me back and put me out. The last thing I remember is them putting the mask on me and telling me to take several deep breaths. Which I don't know if that was what put me to sleep or if they pushed me out like they said they were going to. They gave me a nice big does of phenergan when they started trying to wake me up. I remember them telling me the bad news vaguely but all I could do was medicated cry. Now that I am awake and not in too much pain right now. The gas is up in my ribs and back so it's uncomfortable and my incisions are starting to feel really nice and tender. But other than that physically I'm fine. Emotionally I'm devastated. My left tube is completely useless as hidden under scar tissue to the point it could not be located. My right tube would not allow the dye to go through all the way so it's not open to receive the egg. My only option is IVF and now I'm so broken because we cannot afford it. I was told today...(my husband is the one who remembers since I was so medicated) That my ONLY options are, IVF, Surrogate, or Adoption. I still don't fit in with anyone because I don't have a medical disease to find a support group. But I am packing up all of the stuff I bought for the future nursery when I feel better. I can't look at it anymore. Thank you all for listening...if there are. I will continue to post when I can but I can't promise it's going to be positive.

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Still on Break but an Update!!!

Well tomorrow is pre op again. At least this time it's at 10am instead of 8! So I go in tomorrow and sign the same paperwork I signed last week but the great thing is surgery is on Monday. I'm still taking a break from the full on TTC methods. The only thing we are going to attempt is maca root and just having fun. I don't want any more stress on my body and I'm serious when I say trying to conceive is the most stressful thing ever! I will post an update about surgery results once I feel better. I'm kind of really looking forward to the sleep haha. I haven't been sleeping too well lately.

I am taking a new outlook on the new year though. I saw this thing on pinterest that I'm really looking forward to. I think I might make a twist on it. I'm thinking about taking two large mason jars and one is "good things" and one is "bad things". I'm going to write on a piece of paper every time something good or bad happens. (And it has to be a big deal, not just something normal) and I'm going to remind myself of the good times when I put something bad in the jar. I want to prove to myself that the good always outweighs the bad. I may just stick with the good things jar though. Hopefully this will be our year and someday I can show our child all the great things that happened along the way. I'm also going to grow out my hair for this entire year and then next year I want to chop it and donate it! I just want to strive to change my life as well as another in the next year. If I can make a difference in someones life I will feel complete. <3 And if IVF is the route we have to take I will use all the donations over time. IF we are blessed without medical intervention I will donate all of the funds to someone else who is going through the same thing. That way I know that through my struggle someone was willing to help me and I can pass it on.

And if you're in the Christmas spirit and feel like giving to make a difference too here is the link to our Go Fund Me! Any help at all would be truly appreciated! <3 Happy Holidays and Merry Christmas!

Sunday, December 9, 2012

Taking a Break

After such an emotional roller coaster of a week and the fact that I still don't know when my surgery is, I have decided to take a break from TTC. I'm not going to dwell on it, think about it, try for it, or anything until after the surgery. I'm throwing caution to the wind and just enjoying time with my husband when I can get it. I thank you all for reading and I hope eventually in the near future I will be able to come on here and share great news. I will continue to blog when I have time to keep you all posted on what's happening. But I won't be obsessing so much over TTC. I think I need a mental vacation so I can regain strength. A lot of you don't know how emotionally and mentally draining trying to conceive is. But I feel like I've basically hit rock bottom and I need to get back to good. Chris and I have been working on the house today and we will continue to get the house cleaned and organized. We are working our way through each room and decorating, organizing, deep cleaning, and getting rid of things. Trying to make this house feel more like home.

I've been spending about an hour looking for Christmas gifts for him. This will be the first year that I'm trying to surprise him with presents and thankfully I'm such a great bargain shopper I not only managed to finally track down a couple of shirts he's been wanting but I got them at VERY discounted prices!!! I also scored a really cute stainless steel necklace he likes for less than 5 bucks! I hate that we have to do Christmas on a budget but that's the life of the Military! But thank you all for listening to me ramble, now it's time for us to crawl into bed. I'm going off post with a friend of mine for a couple of hours tomorrow to keep her company. She is going to her Thirty-One product premier and she offered to pay for a ticket for me to see a movie of my choice. So I'm going to watch Breaking Dawn Part 2 again and then afterwards we are going to 5 Guys Burgers And Fries!!!!!!!!!!! OH MY GOODNESS, OH MY DAYUM!!!!!

Thursday, December 6, 2012

Really Late Update

I am so sorry I haven't updated in awhile. Here is the happening...

So I did get my dates confused and today (the 6th) was actually my pre op and Monday (the 10th) was surgery. I have to say was b/c it has been postponed since I didn't get to finish my echo and bring the paperwork to them (in my defense I didn't know that they needed it as I wasn't even told about the referral by them). My doctor did upset me today because he told me that due to my heart disease that they generally ask the patient if they become pregnant to terminate the baby, and I was given a counseling on that. Something about that didn't feel right as I was told my whole life that I didn't have any limitations and that it wouldn't effect my life. Yes there is a chance that I could have a heart attack but that is slim to none and things happen right? Everyone has a risk to have a heat attack, right? I'm not worried about it and I feel they shouldn't be but I know they have my best interest in mind.

We have had a beyond stressful week. A friend of ours in the hospital, we almost lost him. That's as much as I can say. Thank God he's alive and doing well! <3 I'm really hoping that they call tomorrow, or very soon to tell me when my surgery is rescheduled for. My poor sister balled her eyes out to me today. She feels like she made me a promise (which is a VERY big deal to her...she does not make promises she can't keep) and that she broke that promise because she had to have an emergency hysterectomy a couple of years ago. She promised me many years before that she would be my surrogate. I feel horrible that she feels guilty. I told her this is not her fault and that even if she was able to surrogate for me we couldn't afford it. I have been trying to explain to her all the costs and everything involved in surrogacy.

But tonight I was watching a show called Taboo and they were drinking blended up frogs and many other things to get pregnant. (it's good for many other things too but this was just about infertility) and they said in the show that Maca was probably the reason they were successful in getting pregnant. So I asked Chris if he would consider trying it with me and bing, bang, boom....we ordered it on Amazon. Thank goodness it was pretty cheap too. I think this will be the final attempt at in home infertility treatments as I cannot take anymore anxiety and stress. I'm still trying to keep my head up and my heart set. It's just hard not to get discouraged esp around the holidays. I will be spending the whole day of the 21st with my best friend Chaning's kiddos! I'm sooooo excited about it! Chaning and her hubby are going on a "date day" aka (Christmas Shopping) so the kids and I are going to be making some arts and crafts, then rice crispy treats, renting Ice Age 4, and popping pop corn!!!!! It's going to be so much fun! The kids may be a little crazy and of course stubborn little kids but I LOVE THEM SO MUCH!

Saturday, November 24, 2012

Over Stuffed

Hello friends out in the internet land! I know I haven't posted in awhile but there hasn't been too much to share. Thanksgiving was sad and good at the same time. It was sad because Chris had to work a 24 hour shift, but it was good that I got to go down to his work and eat with him...and then to Chanings house to eat! It was awesome!!!!! Then I came home and lounged around on the couch and watched a bunch of random television until I was ready to pass out. I went to the heart doctor recently, but it was the worst establishment I've ever seen. The office at first glance reminded you of some back door office where you go to get like prescriptions for illegal stuff? I'm just guessing. And then the equipment was very form the 70's. I was there from 2pm to 5:30pm and still wasn't even finished with the appointment. This appointment should have taken about an hour/hour and a half tops. When I was finally put onto the treadmill to do the stress test...which wasn't even a real stress test...the equipment was so old that the leads were malfunctioning so he kept pressing them hard into my chest...over and over and over again. It was almost traumatizing...if I didn't know how it was really supposed to be.

The back doctor had to reschedule and since I had so much going on, we rescheduled for Dec 19th. Although I'm really hoping that my sister comes through for me and manages to score me plane ticket to SC to spend Christmas with her and the kids. But then again I'm also really hoping that this surgery is going to be successful and we will be blessed with a Christmas Miracle! <3

Friday, November 16, 2012

Happy Birthday To Chris

Yesterday was my sweet husbands birthday! I felt really bad that I couldn't afford to buy him the gift he REALLY wanted since it was over $200 and that money just doesn't appear out of thin air. So instead, him being the sweetheart that he is he finally let me buy him his new video game. He also took his old games to trade in, and I sent some of mine to go with him. I have to make this up to him somehow though because we knew the cost of the box set was high (Sully Erna Avalon) but it was supposed to be a combined Anniversary and Birthday gift. :( My anniversary gift FINALLY arrived yesterday too. I absolutely love my new hoodie esp since it's getting cold outside.

We did go out to Olive Garden to eat before seeing Breaking Dawn Part 2! He enjoyed himself at dinner considering he REALLLLLY didn't want to see the movie. But with us living 1 1/2 hours from the theater he didn't have much of a choice. So he napped through parts of the movie but was glued to the edge of his seat near the end. (I'm not giving ANYTHING away about the movie) The ride there and the ride home was amazing b/c a really good friend of ours went with us...and she started asking questions about infertility, my drs appointments, what it's like to go through it. Which  #1 for someone who is from another country this is all new to her and #2 she's never tried for a baby yet. So it was kind of hard to explain at first but I think she understood at my final description. For those of you reading who DO follow Twilight, I believe it was in the 2nd movie when Rosalie confesses to Bella about her not wanting the vampire life for her and she's jealous b/c she is human. She expresses that she didn't want to be a vampire b/c she wanted to be a mother. Then fast forward to movie number 3 and Bella is pregnant with Edwards baby. Rosalie takes over this mother mode...and in this movie you see her playing with Reneesme...and I cried. I felt that was me...stuck in this frozen world feeling like I will never be a mother.

Monday, November 12, 2012


So tonight I was snooping around the internet as usual...and found a place to write a petition and submit it. So I wrote one about the military covering IVF/IUI. There actually is a bill trying to pass right now in the Army that they are going to cover sex change operations because it's discrimination. So why not cover IVF/IUI too?!?!?! Now is the time for change! Now is the time to make a difference for our future. I really hope that I can get enough signatures so that maybe someday those of us who are military spouses will be fully covered so that we can create our family that we want so badly. If you're reading this...please go sign the petition.

Friday, November 9, 2012

I love my doctor!

That's exactly how I feel while writing this blog. I am overwhelmed with true emotion toward my new OB. I cannot believe that after years of fighting, praying, begging, crying, and just plain dealing with doctors that have treated me like I am unimportant...I have finally found the right doctor! Yesterday I received a call from my insurance company telling me that my referral was ready. I wasn't sure what she meant...and my OBGYN wrote me a referral to see a new heart specialist. (I also have a heart disease that I was born with) That's true compassion right there to worry about something that isn't even his specialty!!!! I don't think I could be happier! I see the heart dr on the 20th, the back dr on the 21st, and then surgery on the 6th! BUSY BUSY BUSY!

Also while you are here reading you should hop over to Clomid and Cabernet and show here some love as she interviewed me to help get the word out about infertility and the military!

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Thank you Margot!!!!

So after the unacceptable events tonight of the restaurant that just opened here on post...that I randomly decided that I wanted to try their Shepards Pie...and it took over an hour and a half to get...I log into my email to see a GoFundMe email!!!! Margot donated to our IVF!!!!! I couldn't possibly express how thankful I am to have people like her in my life, although I've never met her. She's such a wonderful and giving woman and a blessing to all! I don't know what goes on in her life but for someone to donate to someone they don't even know...that's someone who is doing great things with her life. When I was younger I was a very selfish person. I wouldn't have donated to someone I didn't know at all. Now as I've seen the struggle of others...and struggled myself, I feel the compassion and desire to give back as much as I can. I know that whoever I choose to donate my last dollars to truly appreciates that and in times like this when I'm asking for help to make our dreams come true....the favor is returned! God Bless You Margot! You are a shining light for our future!

BBC New Report

So I want to share with you a news report that caught my eye. This is a big fear for me as I have already worried about my egg supply that I feel is dwindling. I'm not sure what a "LATE" age is to go into menopause but my mother, I feel, went into menopause at a young age. Well as it actually says in the report that early is 45 and below...and late is 55 and up. Well my mother started menopause WELL before 45...and that scares me. I'm sitting here in all my 27 year old glory dreading March where I will turn step closer to 30. Which in my research has suggested that I have already gone through half of my egg supply. Pretty SCARY huh!? Are you feeling the squeeze too?

Here is the article

BBC NEWS-Fertility predicted by mothers age at menopause

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

GOOD NEWS and Promise

Today was my dr's appointment!!!! It went super well, actually better than I had hoped. My new dr is amazing! He's into the facts...he wants all the guesswork. He's showed me more concern about all of my health issues today than I have gotten in 27 years of my life. He was giving me advice on the things I need to know about my heart disease and my back! He was worried about both of those too and instructed me to get them checked out. He also is trying to save me money by going ahead and doing a Lap & Dye instead of just throwing me to the fertility specialist costs. He wants me to be fully educated on all my options...even the hidden ones. He also wants to help me to achieve pregnancy at the lowest cost possible (mental, physical, and financial)

So with that being said I promised myself and God that IF I could get some headway...that I would not whine and complain anymore. And I'm going to hold to that! I actually shocked the dr...he was sitting there explaining to me the risks of surgery...the usual (ya know like 50/50 of waking up, things that could go wrong, ect) and I just sat there with a huge smile on my face. He stops and asks why I'm not concerned about these they are very important to know. I explain to him that I've been put under completely 4 get scared to death the first time, 2nd time you're uneasy, by the 3rd time...YOU GOT THIS! hahah I'm not worried about any of that stuff at all. My only concern is...what if he gets in there...and there is still no valid explanation! BUT we will cross that bridge when we come to it!

I absolutely cannot wait!!!!!!!!!!!

Sunday, November 4, 2012

Late night convos

So tonight I've been sitting here battling with my back pain as usual. Chris is fast asleep here on the couch and I'm sitting here googling random stuff. Tonight we discussed about me moving back east. As bad as I don't want to be away from my husband, I'm homesick...and I feel like the only way we would be able to afford IVF is if I go back home and find a job or two. Something to keep myself busy and to treat this depression in the most productive way possible. So as I'm sitting here tossing the idea around and poking around the internet, Jon pops online. Jon is married to my bestie Sydney and they are expecting their first baby in April. So after about 2 hours of just random catching up I started losing it. I'm sitting here crying my eyes out.

When I lost John in 2008 (June 9th...same day as Syndey's birthday) I never imagined that I could love someone as much as I loved him. I pushed away friendships because I couldn't imagine going through that pain again. And then in 10 I met Sydney. Last year I lived with her and Jon for awhile since things went sour with my "father" during deployment. I couldn't be any more blessed to have someone so special in my life...hence the reason I'm pining over her now too. I miss waking up every morning and not seeing her face. I miss talking to her every single day. The time difference, her watching all the kids she does during the day, and her expecting...doesn't really make for availability at the drop of a hat.

On top of that other best friend Chaning is still in Texas. Not only have I been blessed enough to have Sydney & Jon in my life...but I found Chaning, Cole, Lucas, and Peyton too. So double whammy on the missing links part. I just feel so empty without these puzzle pieces. Chaning was a very unexpected find...and because of the same "location depression" I thought I had lost her. But thankfully it was just temporary and we're back to good. It doesn't negate the fact that right this very second I feel like they are billions of lightyears away from me.

OHHHHHH The good thing about today was I had entered Sadie and Shaddix in the Strut Your Mutt and Sadie brought home a trophy for Mystery Mutt!!!! I'm really sad they both didn't win something but then again everyone needed a chance to win and every single pup that was there...was sooooo cute! I'm super proud of my babies!!!!! But as for me, right now....I'm going to drag the hubby off the couch and go to bed. I need to feel his arms wrapped tightly around me. I might continue to have a good cry too.

Saturday, November 3, 2012

Anticipation is not my friend

So I'm pretty amped up about Tuesday! I absolutely cannot wait until my dr's appointment. I keep praying hard that he will be forgiving and go ahead and write my referral. Once that happens, I hope I can get into the fertility specialist as fast as possible. Right now financially we cannot afford the IVF since no one has donated yet. We have a little bit put back in the bank but it's definitely not enough to make our dreams come true as quickly as we would like. The thought of this as I type it makes me want to curl into a ball and sob. It's just so frustrating at this point. I think today I counted 3 pregnancy announcements. I'm actually to the point I want to delete my facebook and become even more reclusive and bitter. It sucks so bad feeling like this on the inside, I hope I don't reflect my pain that much on the outside.

 I look at my handsome husband who is sitting here on the couch beside me fast asleep and I ache. I want to see joy in his eyes, I want to see him interact like these other fathers do. Ok I'm crying now. I feel like I'm letting him down. At times like this I really wish I could call John and cry. I haven't really talked about him before on here but those of you who are reading that personally know me, know who he is. He was my absolute BEST FRIEND! He was tragically ripped away from this world in a motorcycle accident in 08. I just found peace a couple of months ago. I still talk to him as best I can but I crave that voice of his telling me that everything is going to be ok. Maybe I do need to see a therapist....If this doctor doesn't write my referral on Tuesday I'm going to call behavioral health and schedule an appointment. Sorry to you all who are reading this....I know I'm always whining but I feel like it's for good reason. I just wish I could take a mental vacation away from all this pain and anxiety!

Thursday, November 1, 2012

Later Halloween Night Update

Ok so handing out candy wasn't too bad! I saw some really cute kiddos in their adorable costumes. My friend Amber came over and hung out with me in the driveway while we handed out the noms. And then we went to the Haunted House! There was just the most adorable little girl (5) in line behind us with her parents. She was such a trooper! She didn't start freaking out until we were closer to the door. She was so excited to go through the haunted house so she could go to school and tell her friends she did it. So her mom and I went over to the refreshment stand...on accident at the same buy her some glow sticks. I asked her mom if she would mind be buying her something and she said she wouldn't mind at all. So I picked out this cute little flashing pumpkin bracelet and her mom hooked her up with glow sticks and glow bracelets. On the way out of the haunted house she was kind of in shock and first and then she was proud of herself because she made it through. I really hope someday I can have that with my child. I can't believe how brave she was! It wasn't that scary to me but I'm sure to a 5 year old it's mortifying. OH YEAH! Before all of this happened something went wrong with my screen door and I couldn't get it open. My garage is always locked because I keep the bike in there and the back door was I ended up breaking my screen door from ripping it open. Now I cannot open it at all from the outside. *facepalm* Alright friends it's time to go to bed with the pups. I checked the hubby's account today and found out he's got 9 use/lose leave I'm really really hoping that he will use them soon. We could use the time together!

Wednesday, October 31, 2012


So Halloween is one of my most favorite days of the year. Normally I would go all out to decorate, have an awesome costume, and take my friends kids trick or treating. Well since my best friend isn't even here right now I decided to be a lump. I'm supposed to be going to my husbands unit BBQ/Halloween party and I find myself sitting here wishing I would just go back to bed. I haven't even went so far as buying candy for the trick or treaters. Not to mention I sold my He's Alive warmer at the fair I did last weekend so I have 0 halloween decorations. Yesterday was a good day for us though...we both pitched together and worked on cleaning the house up some. Hubby did the dirty work and scooped poop out of the back yard. So I think the dogs are pretty happy about that! I cleaned the kitchen, did 2 more loads of laundry, and made a cheese cake that I STILL haven't even tried. It was just a nobake one...which I know is going to suck...BUT I kept the crumbs from it so I'm thinking about whipping out my spring form pan later this week and attempting a REAL cheese cake! Sadie has been very whiny today...currently I think she's feeling my anxiety of all the kids that are going to be around and she's crying at me. I just hope someday I can feel the excitement of dressing up my child and taking them out to trick or treat! I promise that if I could be blessed I would NEVER take any holiday activity for granted! I will go ALLLLLL OUT for each and every holiday so my child can experience the innocent magic brought from the trick or treating, the thanksgiving day parade, decorating the Christmas tree, ringing in the new year, hunting for Easter Eggs, watching the fireworks.....ALLL HOLIDAYS! I won't JUST do the commercial stuff either...I want to teach them the true value of each. I want to teach my child to donate and share...the truth behind the holiday too. The story behind Jesus and how he loved us so much that he died for our sins.

It's funny how the thought of a child in a costume can trigger such hard emotions. I have a feeling I won't be at this party for long. Then I have to hope that no one knocks on my door. 

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Late Night

So I'm not usually up this late but I've had so much on my mind lately that I forgot that the sheets needed to be washed. So now I'm waiting on the dryer to knock off so I can put the sheets in. I've been sitting here the majority of the evening playing wow and escaping my own emotions. I have cried pretty much all day today. With truth and an audience comes emotional wellness. First off I have the fact that I'm missing my best friends right now, second the double bad news from Walter Reed and San Diego, third I got a little butt hurt by some Scentsy consultants, and fourth I'm home alone it's easier to trigger the tears. I'm really really happy though that both of my dogs are feeling better than they did two days ago. They do seem to make the void a little less painful sometimes. Sadie placed her head on my chest this afternoon during snuggle time and I looked at her and was so thankful she loves me so much! Shaddix attacked me when I came home from visiting Chris at work and wanted to snuggle in my arms like a baby until he fell asleep....and also put my arm to sleep! I just keep thinking how amazing a moment like that would be to have my baby laying on my chest sleeping. When I close my eyes real tight and imagine that my heart soars! Why do I keep doing this to myself? I know, I know....just a couple more days til my dr's appointment. I'm just nervous that he's going to treat me the same way.

Monday, October 29, 2012


If you would like to possibly donate to our IVF fund this is the link.

Getting back on the Blog wagon

I know, I know, it's been awhile since I've posted. The TTC journey has been so depressing and heartbreaking that I haven't even thought about posting on here. But since I have been on the Ricki Lake show, and have finally opened up to my friends and family...I figured...why not start blogging again. It seems the only way to REALLY tell our story! Currently we are residing in California, not sure if I mentioned that before. Since we got here in March I have been struggling with getting a referral to see a fertility specialist. It takes about a month just get get one appointment with a PCM or in my case OBGYN. Each time I have been treated badly. One appointment I was told I was fat and an alcoholic. Let me start by clearing something up...yes I am a big girl. I'm 5' 11" and I weigh in this dr's eyes he thinks I should be at 140. The smallest I've been since puberty is 155 and that was a LONG STRETCH for me. I was eating stackers like candy and working physical labor (which I truly miss that part) but point is I lost the weight in a very unhealthy way. I have since the appointment changed up my diet. I also am far from an alcoholic. I do honestly admit that on rare occasion I knock back a couple of drinks with my friends. Which usually consist of maybe 2 watered down shots (I'm a wuss and drink half alcohol and half mixer shots) and maybe 2 mixed drinks on RARE OCCASIONS!

I have also been told that I might suffer from Endometriosis. (sp?) Ok dr, write the referral to go be diagnosed since you can't do it. NOPE! He suggests I have another coposcopy done. Which I just had less than 2 months ago. Then he suggest that I have an HSG done...OK! He almost refused to write that referral too. Until I pitched a completely hissy fit in the office. I take my referral thinking I had WON over to radiology to schedule this procedure....there are NO female techs on this post, meaning I would have to go off post for it. *facepalm* I'm so over this doctor at this point because of many things I have left unsaid because they are highly inappropriate. I complain to the patient advocate who in turn runs my message to the head of the OBGYN department. (The Col.) Who then returns to me with hopes of a new appointment with the new doctor who is coming on post. I wait 2 weeks in agony to find out when I can see this guy. FINALLY my appointment is approaching on Nov 6th!!!! Now I'm praying and hoping with my whole heart that this dr has enough compassion to flat out tell you go! So then I can finally book an appointment with a FS and start getting poked and probed in hopes that I can conceive and carry my future. I cannot handle anymore disappointment. I'm completely and utterly spent. I cry every single day at the drop of a hat, I've isolated myself for the most part so I don't have to see all these babies everywhere, and I sit here constantly and think about being pregnant. 

Sunday, January 29, 2012

I'm so sick of this

As much as I try to keep a smile on my face I really would much rather just cry out loud. I want to pitch a tantrum like a kicking and screaming child. People tell me "Relax and you will get pregnant", "If it's meant to be, it will be", "Maybe it's just not the right time", "You're trying to hard". SERIOUSLY PEOPLE...GO SCREW YOURSELF! Usually these words come from people who already have children and it was easy as hell for them to get pregnant. They don't know what it's like to want something so badly that you are willing to try ANYTHING to get it and then fail every single month for years. I'm so sick and tired of all the bull shit that people say to me. If I wanted you to tell me something stupid I would ask you to say something stupid.

In this month alone I've heard the news of over 15 people being pregnant who are "close" friends. Not that I'm not happy for them but quite a few of them really don't need to be bringing a child into this world. I mean don't get me wrong but when your first child is already a demon spawn that raises mortal hell every time you go out to eat then you really have no business bringing another child into this world to terrorize me when I'm trying to talk to you. I'm so sick and tired of it. I just want one chance to be good at something I know I'll be great at.

My fertility appointment had to be canceled because once again I've been shit on by the good luck fairy and we are PCSing to Fort Irwin California. And I've tried to look up FS's there and guess what...they are all over 3 hours away without traffic. SINCE WHEN IS THERE NEVER ANY TRAFFIC IN LOS ANGELES OR LAS VEGAS? I mean good god. NOT to mention I've been waiting almost 6 months to see this 1 dr that I feel deep down in my heart was the answer to my prayers. This TTC shit is effecting my marriage since I resent almost everything my husband ever says to me. It's now become a taboo subject with us and the sex has almost depleted. I can't stand even the thought of him touching me most of the time because I know it's never going to work. I'm trying to hide everything from him as that's just who I am. And I think he's assuming I'm hiding something else that's even worse and we are bickering over stupid stuff. We're not exactly fighting at all it's just little snips here and there. We don't really talk to each other anymore and it's breaking my heart. But at the same time I think this is the point of the process where I'm blaming him without valid excuses. I just want this to all be over with. I want a YES you can have kids and this is how we are going to do it or a NO so you're going to have to get your shit together and adopt.