Monday, December 24, 2012
So lastnight I did something I shouldn't have, I decided (brilliant idea) to drink some of the Captain Morgan I still had in the kitchen from like June. So I found out the hard way I absolutely cannot catch a buzz anymore. I drank so much lastnight that my stomach started hurting. So I decided to wake Chris up, drag him and the dogs upstairs for bed, and then went to the bathroom to make myself sick. In the midst of trying to shake the stomach pain all of a sudden everything hit me at once. I started sobbing, I was frustrated because I couldn't purge enough of the drink out of my stomach to feel better, I wasn't drunk like I wished I had of been, I felt like it was a metaphor for my life, and I couldn't hold my feelings in any longer. Chris heard me crying and the second he walked in the door I just lost it. I sat in the cold bathroom floor, laying in his arms, screaming, sobbing, apologizing, blaming, aching, and just melting down. He didn't say very much, he just allowed me to get everything out and he did cry with me a little. This went on for 2-3 hours straight. I needed to deal with every emotion that was building up inside of me. I cannot sit here and lie to everyone and say that it made everything better, because it didn't. I still am heartbroken, I still feel ashamed, and everything in between. I finally did venture out of the house today to the commissary to buy some groceries. Stupid me took the wrong card (it was the one I reported lost) so there we are trying to check out with our whopping $40 in groceries and Chris had to run back to the house to get cash! I was so embarrassed!!!!! At least dinner was pretty good! We decided to just go crazy! We took some pasta we had in the pantry, threw in some spaghetti sauce, diced tomatoes (basil, oregano, garlic), pepperonis, black olives, seasonings, cooked the noodles in the sauce instead of water, and then topped with cheese. I call it pizza pasta! lol It was really good! I think we're going to try to start getting more creative in the kitchen on a budget. Instead of our usual shopping list, we are going to start being creative and everything that is left over out of our grocery budget will go into the "IVF" fund. I'm also going through and cleaning out stuff we don't need anymore and either selling or donating. I'm changing up our bills and getting rid of the stupid stuff...and that money will be put up too. I can only hope that it will add up quickly. But at least for now...it's a plan.