Balboa...no

I thought I would pop in and update since it's been awhile. I was contacted yesterday by Tricare that balboa denied my referral. I called them to inquire why and they said they didn't know why, but to put the referral in again. I also inquired how long their waitlist was since they told me one thing and my friend another. They went from telling me 1 1/2 years and her depends on your blood tests where you get put in the line...to 15 months to 2 years! O.o WOWZERS! I've been trying to take a break from the whole infertility journey for a few days so I can de-stress and get back on track mentally. I've spent a few days just hanging out around the house, cooking and cleaning, and playing games online. Just being me!

Chris goes to the promotion board tomorrow and he's sick. I feel horrible for him since he's been on the couch asleep since he got home. I don't want to wake him up since it looks like it's the first real sleep he's gotten in two days. Of course I'm sitting here watching Friends, as usual. He will be able to reup his contract in March and honestly, I cannot wait for us to PCS to another duty station. We are thinking Fort Campbell now instead of Germany. Although we both would love to go to Germany (it will still be listed) we would like to live closer to home for a little while so we can go see our friends and family more often. I just cannot wait to be able to get a job and work like crazy! I hope I will be able to report better findings soon. But until then...<3 thank you for reading!

Monica And Chandler

Friends is one of my nightly rituals, it comes on about 10pm and I find myself watching it every single night although we own almost the entire series. This was lastnight episode, and of course it ripped me to shreds. I find myself sitting here every single day, crying when Chris can't see me, and fighting back tears when he can. I'm feeling like I want to crawl into a hole right this very moment and never come back out. With every phone call to find the "right" place I find myself discouraged even more. I was dead set on HRC and I think I still am but looking at the costs again, looking at our bills, and wondering....will we ever be able to afford to try? IF we can afford to try is it worth the gamble? I am not a big gambler, and handing over $10,000+ in hopes that something good might happen is a very big risk. I can barely handle losing $5, let alone that amount of money. I just wish that for once in my life, something would go right. I wish my body would work the way it's supposed to. But why am I surprised that I cannot conceive? I've suffered through everything else in life. I know, I know, you're reading this and thinking....it's life, everyone has been through stuff. Let me mildly elaborate please...I've attended over 25 funerals from the age of 2. I've known death and sorrow more than anyone should at my age. I've had 4 surgeries now (not really that big of a deal) but one of them so extensive I had to relearn how to walk again basically and at that time (I was 15) my mother had to bathe me (how embarrassing). I've been to the darkest pits of emotion by the time I was 11 years old after losing my grandmother (who was like a mother to me) suddenly of a heart attack and then being molested by a family friend shortly there after. I've been beaten, stolen from, lived in my car (which the window was busted out of and I didn't have heat. Middle of winter), I've lost a lot of friends over time, made bad decisions and dated the wrong men, and treated others around me poorly at times. The 3 worst moments in my life have been losing my grandmother in 95, losing John in 08, and finding out I will never have children naturally. I don't really know how much more I can take. I start therapy in about 2 weeks but until then I'm going to have to just cry it out.

I'm at the point right now that I want Chris to talk to me about how he feels with this whole situation but every time I bring it up he just ignores me. That does not help with my emotions. I don't mean to bring you down while you are reading this post, but a blog is a place where you can vent, right? Where do you go from here? How do you wake yourself up? I am feeling so broken right now and it's scaring me. I feel like I will never be me again.

Events on the Horizon

I know I've been away for a few days. I haven't been feeling super well and personally I cannot wait until my humidifier arrives! It will be nice to be able to wake up one morning and not have to pry my own eyes open because they are so dry! hehe I don't have a whole lot to report currently, I'm starting to finally find myself again. I went to meet with some of the ladies from the unit today to start planning some fundraisers for our ball in April. I'm very excited to FINALLY get to go to a ball, "Every pretty girl deserves to go to a ball!" I'm not going to be sporting the ball gown I really wanted to as it's VERY expensive and that's not a priority right now. But I'm sure I will find one low budget or that I can borrow from someone and still feel beautiful...and I will have a HOT DATE! <3 I haven't been able to stand next to my hubby in a dress uniform since the day we said our vows. I can't wait to see him in his dress blues!!! And FINALLY I'll have a good pic of us! (We do have to start practicing his smile for the pics though...he has to smile this time haha) I'm just looking forward to a new experience and most of all doing the fun things we have planned for the fundraising! I also have been trying to help find ideas for decorations. We are talking about doing a Murder Mystery ball and this is going to be AMAZING!!!!!!!! I have my ortho appointment on Wednesday and then Des and I leave for LA on Friday for the Fertility Planit show. We might even take the "long" way home and go over to East LA to the Soda Pop Shop! I'm so excited to try rare soda's from around the world! :)

See I told you I'm kinda finally getting back to myself!

And the final verdict is in...

SO as I said before that today was the dr appointment that would finalize everything. Well...for the most part, now the question is...which road do we walk down? Today the dr spent quite a long time explaining to me everything. I got to see pictures of my organs, and the final verdict is that due to me being raped when I was 18, the dr has no doubt in his mind that contracting the stds that I did are the cause of the damage. My uterus is beautiful and my ovaries are perfect so there is hope for IVF.

The only thing we have to do now, is make a decision and go toward it.

I contacted Dr Potters office (The Dr that was on the Ricki Lake show with us) and found out pricing information and options. I know that I am probably looking at about $20K as I will be paying out of pocket for all expenses. Although they are going to TRY to get my insurance to cover the office visits but generally they don't when I am labeled "Infertile". Also when you do IVF they want you to purchase a package plan because their goal is to get you pregnant. I don't know if I want to spend that much money and still have no end result, when with adoption you will have an end result. It's such a big step for our future and it's so scary.

How do you rationalize taking a risk at such a huge expense?
How do you find the light in the dark?

It's just so scary! But I'm confident that there will be a future.