Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Monica And Chandler

Friends is one of my nightly rituals, it comes on about 10pm and I find myself watching it every single night although we own almost the entire series. This was lastnight episode, and of course it ripped me to shreds. I find myself sitting here every single day, crying when Chris can't see me, and fighting back tears when he can. I'm feeling like I want to crawl into a hole right this very moment and never come back out. With every phone call to find the "right" place I find myself discouraged even more. I was dead set on HRC and I think I still am but looking at the costs again, looking at our bills, and wondering....will we ever be able to afford to try? IF we can afford to try is it worth the gamble? I am not a big gambler, and handing over $10,000+ in hopes that something good might happen is a very big risk. I can barely handle losing $5, let alone that amount of money. I just wish that for once in my life, something would go right. I wish my body would work the way it's supposed to. But why am I surprised that I cannot conceive? I've suffered through everything else in life. I know, I know, you're reading this and thinking....it's life, everyone has been through stuff. Let me mildly elaborate please...I've attended over 25 funerals from the age of 2. I've known death and sorrow more than anyone should at my age. I've had 4 surgeries now (not really that big of a deal) but one of them so extensive I had to relearn how to walk again basically and at that time (I was 15) my mother had to bathe me (how embarrassing). I've been to the darkest pits of emotion by the time I was 11 years old after losing my grandmother (who was like a mother to me) suddenly of a heart attack and then being molested by a family friend shortly there after. I've been beaten, stolen from, lived in my car (which the window was busted out of and I didn't have heat. Middle of winter), I've lost a lot of friends over time, made bad decisions and dated the wrong men, and treated others around me poorly at times. The 3 worst moments in my life have been losing my grandmother in 95, losing John in 08, and finding out I will never have children naturally. I don't really know how much more I can take. I start therapy in about 2 weeks but until then I'm going to have to just cry it out.

I'm at the point right now that I want Chris to talk to me about how he feels with this whole situation but every time I bring it up he just ignores me. That does not help with my emotions. I don't mean to bring you down while you are reading this post, but a blog is a place where you can vent, right? Where do you go from here? How do you wake yourself up? I am feeling so broken right now and it's scaring me. I feel like I will never be me again.

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