Sunday, November 4, 2012

Late night convos

So tonight I've been sitting here battling with my back pain as usual. Chris is fast asleep here on the couch and I'm sitting here googling random stuff. Tonight we discussed about me moving back east. As bad as I don't want to be away from my husband, I'm homesick...and I feel like the only way we would be able to afford IVF is if I go back home and find a job or two. Something to keep myself busy and to treat this depression in the most productive way possible. So as I'm sitting here tossing the idea around and poking around the internet, Jon pops online. Jon is married to my bestie Sydney and they are expecting their first baby in April. So after about 2 hours of just random catching up I started losing it. I'm sitting here crying my eyes out.

When I lost John in 2008 (June 9th...same day as Syndey's birthday) I never imagined that I could love someone as much as I loved him. I pushed away friendships because I couldn't imagine going through that pain again. And then in 10 I met Sydney. Last year I lived with her and Jon for awhile since things went sour with my "father" during deployment. I couldn't be any more blessed to have someone so special in my life...hence the reason I'm pining over her now too. I miss waking up every morning and not seeing her face. I miss talking to her every single day. The time difference, her watching all the kids she does during the day, and her expecting...doesn't really make for availability at the drop of a hat.

On top of that other best friend Chaning is still in Texas. Not only have I been blessed enough to have Sydney & Jon in my life...but I found Chaning, Cole, Lucas, and Peyton too. So double whammy on the missing links part. I just feel so empty without these puzzle pieces. Chaning was a very unexpected find...and because of the same "location depression" I thought I had lost her. But thankfully it was just temporary and we're back to good. It doesn't negate the fact that right this very second I feel like they are billions of lightyears away from me.

OHHHHHH The good thing about today was I had entered Sadie and Shaddix in the Strut Your Mutt and Sadie brought home a trophy for Mystery Mutt!!!! I'm really sad they both didn't win something but then again everyone needed a chance to win and every single pup that was there...was sooooo cute! I'm super proud of my babies!!!!! But as for me, right now....I'm going to drag the hubby off the couch and go to bed. I need to feel his arms wrapped tightly around me. I might continue to have a good cry too.

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