Ok ok ok I think I want to start from scratch as we are entering a new year and a new chapter. As it stands right now because it took so long to get certain tests done we are waiting until we find out for sure about this PCS to really pursue IVF or Adoption. I also think I'm going to start a youtube channel talking about infertility struggles. To be perfectly honest I've been struggling with depression again lately and I'm trying my best to not allow it to effect those around me. I've shoved myself into my Scentsy business and started a passion of making nail polish. With Christmas approaching I'm asked several times why do I not decorate my house, why do I not put up a tree? (I do have a perfectly good tree that was given to us last year that is still in the box in the kitchen) I do not decorate because I do not own that much stuff to decorate with. I also have been slacking very badly with housework since the diagnosis. I will spurt through the house on occasion and clean til I'm in pain. But I am really not a fan of people being in my house so I don't feel the need to decorate to impress.
The Christmas Tree thing is I don't have children. My family tradition was dad would put the tree together and then I would decorate it. It was my absolute favorite part of Christmas. I would slowly unwrap each and every ornament to place on the tree while my mom would tell me where each one came from. There was an ornament for every year of my life, certain ones that were from her childhood, from my dads childhood....I loved the history of it all. I unfortunately do not own any of these ornaments currently. But someday I hope to gather them from my mother and eventually place them on our future tree with our child. Passing on each and every history lesson there. To be perfectly honest I would actually like to see these ornaments to relive all of those magical moments. But as I am in California and my mother is in Tennessee I won't be able to do that for awhile.
The PCS that is upon us is possible to come with another deployment fairly quickly. So hopefully before we have everything packed and shipped to Germany we will know when that deployment will take place as we have set a plan together that IF this in fact is on paper then I will be staying in Tennessee until the deployment is over so I can obtain a job (I cannot wait to be working again) and spend quality time with our family. Which means I will be spending alot of time fishing with my dad! I have also found a few fertility specialist in my area that I'm considering and will be speaking to if this is what happens. IF not I will be going to Germany with my husband and we will expand our options there. Personally I'm on a level where I think I'm ready to adopt at this point. But I still feel that $30,000 for adoption is ridiculous. So I'm currently looking for someone who knows someone who is considering giving their unborn child up for adoption. That way the cost of the adoption is roughly 2-3K and that way we can better provide for the child without being in extensive debt.
Until that time comes I will snuggle my dogs tightly and keep hoping! Happy Holidays to you all! And thanks for reading!